Depression: It happened to me and can happen to you!

This topic is very near and dear to my heart, because in January 2009, I was diagnosed with moderately severe depression. I have always been the kind of person to burn the candle at both ends.  I can’t help it, it’s in my nature.  There’s always something that needs to be done.  Back in school, it was hours of drama and preparation for a play, then add in homework, working, and time for friends and I was always on the go.

Fast forward some years and I’ve got a full time (stressful) job, house that needs up-keeping, 2 rambunctious boys who are only 20 months apart and still were not consistently sleeping through the night, a large extended family that always seems to be having some sort of function, a husband who works every other weekend.  I’ve definitely got a lot going on.  I always seem to get so involved in things that I’m going-going-going.  And it can take a toll.

You would think that after having so much of my life be busy and on the go, that I’d just be used to it or feed off it….but that’s not the case.

At the end of last year, I hit rock bottom.  I’d come home and after the kids would get to bed, I’d pretty much do nothing but sit and watch TV show after TV show.  I didn’t do any of my hobbies anymore.  I was always tired, but having trouble sleeping.  My work was suffering, everything was a much bigger deal than it should have been, I was eating ust to do something….and most of all…..the thing I was most ashamed of….I was getting irritated with my kids.

My oldest was 3 and had just hit his tantrum stage (he missed it at 2).  On top of that he was just potty trained and still needing reminding to avoid accidents.  My youngest was 1 and 1/2 and wasn’t able to do much but grunt, whine and cry.  My husband was on a shift where he was out the door earlier than us, so I had to get the boys ready myself in the morning….the winter was the worst for their cooperation getting out the door.  It was the holiday season of which I took on the additional task of hosting Thanks-giving.  For me, it seemed like the weight of the world was on my shoulders.

I had made one appointment to be checked by my doctor, but then canceled it a couple days later as I thought I was doing better.  Then came New Years eve.  I won’t go into what happened….it was pretty much trivial…but it is the straw that broke the camels back.  I had a total melt down.  Two days later, while at my grandpa’s house, I was getting very irritable with my kids.  I remember being so irritated by everything they were doing, I was angry at them and there was no reason.  Yes they were whining and had tantrums, but that’s to be expected at their ages.

You know how you hear about these mothers that just break and they hurt their kids….and you say….”how could anyone do that to their children”?  Well, I felt like I was very close to that breaking point.  I felt the anger inside and then I was angry at myself for being angry with the kids and I could tell it was getting worse.

I feel like a horrible person just saying this, please don’t judge the thoughts going through my mind at the time….I want to share the whole story for anyone who may be going through the same thing and I feel it’s necessary to share everything –  What finally made me realize I needed to see a doctor for help was at my grandpa’s house, while I was scolding my oldest–for what I can’t even remember— he was laughing at me…he thought it was funny….I literally felt the anger in side me wanting to jump out and (for lack of a better expression) beat him up.  I know, I know, how could I think that?!  Well, all I can say is I, at least, had the presence of mind to remove myself from the situation, go in the back room and call at that moment to make an appointment with my doctor.  I can honestly say now, that I can understand what happened to some of those mothers I described in the previous paragraph.  I don’t, however, condone what they did…the difference between them and me is that I had enough sense to realize what was happening and do something about it.

At my appointment, I thought maybe I’d have a mild depression score.  NOPE, surprise to me– my score was moderately severe depression.  I worked with my doctor and am currently on medication.  It’s working great!  I am hoping to try to go off it sometime in the next year or so, but I want to re-discover myself before then and make some lifestyle changes, so that I am successful in weaning off my medicine.

What I’ve done so far is take time for me by starting to bake again.  I hadn’t done that since I was pregnant with my oldest and it’s something I’ve always enjoyed.  I’ve also started to look for ways to simplify management of the house.  I’ve found a couple of things, but I’m also still looking.

This is one of the reasons for my blog.  I want to find the right balance between my work and my family life.  I also want to help others find the balance in their life.  I have always wanted to do something in my life that can/will help others and it is my hope that this website will be the tool I can use to do this.

I ask that anyone who has even just an inkling of a thought that they may be even slightly depressed, please see your doctor.

Signs/symptoms of depression:  I pulled this off the Mayo Clinic website and it’s intended for informational purposes only…please talk to your physician for an actual diagnosis.

• Loss of interest in normal daily activities
• Feeling sad or down
• Feeling hopeless
• Crying spells for no apparent reason
• Problems sleeping
• Trouble focusing or concentrating
• Difficulty making decisions
• Unintentional weight gain or loss
• Irritability
• Restlessness
• Being easily annoyed
• Feeling fatigued or weak
• Feeling worthless
• Loss of interest in sex
• Thoughts of suicide or suicidal behavior
• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

Tags: depression, mental health, symptoms