Coming to terms with “me”-

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Ok, so you may say is that a good thing or a bad thing. Well, It’s been a good thing for me. I’ve struggled with the uncomfortableness of “me” for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I tried so hard to adapt to how I thought others would like me. I had a few friends growing up, but not really many. I always seemed to either get along better with those younger or older than my age. I struggled to find a group my own age that I could make a good connection with.

In high school I had a few more friends. I found a good group of friends to hang around with. But I still always had the issue with not really knowing “who” I was. I still felt like I wasn’t the true me. I’ve always struggled with how I look. Never really thought I was all that pretty, then I gained a bit of weight. It started in 9th grade, as I started maturing more, my hips expanded and I went from a size 4 to a size 9. Then after that is when I gained more. I fluctuated between size 10 and 12 most of my high school and college years. I know it’s not all that big, but you have to remember up until 9th grade I was stick thin and I couldn’t gain weight if I wanted to, so along with all my other feelings of inadequacies it didn’t help.

In the last 4 years since my oldest was born, I have had some successes loosing some weight but now I feel it was for a cost. I was following a program – to which I won’t name. The program is very successful and is a valid program, but to stick to it. I had to really watch what I was eating. I had to give up most of the things I really liked to eat and I do believe that following the “diet” perse helped contribute to my recent depression.

I lay no blame on the program. The way you watch your food intake probably doesn’t affect everyone’s nutrition intake as it did mine. I believe because I was restricting myself so much, I was depriving my body of nutrients I needed. I was not, at the time, taking any vitamins to supplement and that was something I probably should have thought about. The lack of nutrients probably lead to my hormonal imbalance which caused my depression. Now I’m on medication which has a side effect of weight gain, I’ve gained a bit, but I’ve decided I’m fine with it.

I have decided I am fine with how I look overall. I’m done killing myself to conform to how the advertisements depict the perfect woman. I’m not going to starve myself anymore….I’m happier when I’m eating the foods I like, when I’m baking (which I had pretty much given up so I wouldn’t eat it and gain weight). I’m happier when I’m not worrying about being how everyone is perceiving me. I am fine with me!

I hope everyone struggling with their looks, weight, or any aspect of who they are joins me in making the decision to be satisfied with who you are. To quote an old Saturday Night Live skit-Repeat after me- “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and doggon it, people like me.”

Tags: depression, finding yourself, nutrition